Temporary

Circle of life and death and everything in between. I hope to find my current self truly hilarious once I'm thirty. It doesn't matter how much you smoke, how many allies you loiter in, how many piercings, tattoos or criminal offences you get, it's all been done, all of it. So. You just can't really go that wrong, can you? For those who have read Shantaram, they will understand what I mean when I say it is vital to our survival that we fall in love with as many different people as possible, and cling to that love with everyone until the day we die. It is well known that the English love to surround themselves with a bubble, barrier, wall, whatever you wish to call it. And I think that is a sad way to live. Being reserved, conservative in the non-politics sense, is ingraining in a lot of us.

I write a lot of shit. A lot of profound bullshit that I know nothing of yet...and I have always admitted the latter, but still. Contentment over happiness, right? I've written a few poems about that, but I can't publish them yet because they are going into my module portfolio.

I love getting marks for hobbies I would do anyway.

So It's nearly Christmas and everybody is feeling the burn. Our minds our tired, cognition unfocused, dreary and yet becoming sure. We all know ourselves, even if it seems cooler not to. Everybody, especially in England, wants to relish in the dilemmas of young life at one point or another. Some, like myself, enjoyed that traumatic yet deliciously dramatic phase when I was about 15, loitering in alleyways, making a point of drinking the cheapest vodka, neat, then praising my hangover the next morning amongst the smoke and dirt riddled bodies of my friends. As much fun as that was, I've become too cynical to want that again. It must be said, I am looking forward to being my own adult, instead of my parents'. Not that I'm not grateful.

The Phase of Loving Life's Little Dilemmas. Those years sitting on a cold wall during the early hours of Sunday morning, disgusting and waiting for Macdonald's to open, have been my favourite so far. There is nothing like a common enemy to bind a group of people together, and when that enemy is middle class life in general? Well.

I'm looking forward. Because if you look back with contempt, the future's brightness will be forever dimmed. I know who I am, and what I am capable of...in the future. Even though I feel like I'm 28 and perfectly capable of becoming that suave woman stalking down Oxford Street in a trench coat, Mulberry, screaming down a mobile phone the size of a postage stamp clasped in my haloed left hand, it's become a question of the right now. Dirty dishes, laundry and essays.

Inspiration

What is inspiration? And how does one gain/lose/find it?

We are all inspired by places, things or people. For me it’s anything remotely visual and/or emotive. Art, colour, photography, poetry, generally well written work… that sort of thing. But due to my recent lacklustre for…well…everything, I’ve been pondering on what inspiration is, and how the hell I should go about reviving my spark for all that is beautiful, witty and everything in between. It’s not always positive or negative. Inspiration itself doesn’t have a specific emotion, but that urge is power to a person, a drive to do SOMETHING. I guess it is just emotion, in a raw and bubbling form.

In my research I have stumbled across some theories of inspiration as to how the bible was written. Being Agnostic but from a Catholic background, this sparked some interest. The four key theories in my opinion were these:

Inspiration as natural intuition: The authors of the bible had the natural instinct to write the scriptures, due to a high level of religious insight.

Inspiration as Illumination: God influenced the writers, but only to the extent that their human powers could take them.

Concept Inspiration: Proponents contend that God has inspired the concepts which the authors of Scripture were to write, but left it to the human author to choose the words.

The Dynamic Theory of Inspiration: That inspiration itself is natural as well as a supernatural fact, and it is the immediate work of a personal God within the soul of the authors. That inspiration belongs, not only to those who wrote the Scriptures, but to the Scriptures they wrote.

Whether or not I’ve perceived these theories as intended, I strongly believe they can be stretched and applied to inspiration in general, of anyone. Is it a subconscious pursuit on our own part, an innate need, to be inspired? Something we turn to, that’s within our power? Or is it outside influences triggering…maybe memories, thoughts, wants, experiences… Inspiration that is out of our control, entirely due to outside influences? Or perhaps it’s a bit of both… External influences inspire us initially, but it’s our minds, personalities and life experiences that shape it into inspiration that is useful and acute to our needs.

Personally, I think it’s that last one…a bit of both. But there is a part of me that thinks, even wishes, that it were something deeper than mere understanding. It is often declared drunkenly at university parties during discussions of religion and souls (and everything in between…over and over until the subject it in useless tatters amongst various cans and bottles) that a weight disappears from the body at the moment of death, and this is rumoured to be ‘the soul’ leaving the body.

“So, out of six tests, two had to be discarded, one showed an immediate drop in weight (and nothing more), two showed an immediate drop in weight which increased with the passage of time, and one showed an immediate drop in weight which reversed itself but later recurred.”

Even though I dislike the word soul, because I find it too limited, I rather like the idea of some unfathomable place deep within the body that is not dissimilar to what lies outside the universe; incomprehensible. So now I come to a fourth inspiration theory. It is some supernatural, unintelligible, unfathomable wonder, slice of gold that reaches out from the depths of our (for the sake of argument let’s say) souls.

That zing…not quite butterflies, but a vibrancy that lifts your body when you’re inspired by something good is golden and bright. Where it comes from, I don’t know, and it is yet another thing that I am more than willing to accept that I will never know. But as long as I can keep my half an ounce yearning, striving and surging forward to great things, all will be well.

Stars

Sometimes I look up at the stars and can’t help but think how gorgeous they are. I’ve always liked sparkly things, and I’m pretty sure I saw mars on the way to work last night.

But then I remember the story of the house with the golden windows. For those that don’t know, It’s about a poor little girl who used to admire a house with golden windows a few miles away that she could see from her home. One day she missed school and cycled to see the glorious windows. It took her all day, but when she got there, she realised the windows were nothing but plain glass. She sat and cried, but when she stood up to cycle home again, she saw her own house, and saw that her own windows were golden in reflection of the sun. She smiled and realised that her house was just as beautiful, especially to whoever lived in this house.

When you look at stars close up, the are just whopping great rocks. Space, close up, is just a shit tonne of darkness and soaring dirt. However, saying this, maybe there’s something out there that sees our little planet like a house with golden windows. Beautiful and distant, a place they might try and get to some day. That’s how we think of space, so it’s probably the same vice versa.

We do the things we do.

I find it odd that as a species, we have unanimously decided that the here and now, what we have and what we want, finding that perfect pair of shoes or having the best new car, is all far more important than the long term. You know, the fact that our world (the only one we have got don't ya know) is royally fucked.

I'm not about to start whining about saving the Earth. In my opinion, the universe has created ways or ridding itself of the species that rules the place when things get too out of hands. Weak example being dinosaurs. Have you noticed the sheer amount of natural monstrosities that have hurled themselves our way recently? Hurricanes that turn into tropical storms, tsunamis, etc etc. I am of the strong opinion that we are on our way out. That's okay as well. We've ruined the world quite enough for one portion of minutes, maybe two, that we have existed in throughout the span of hours on the face of a watch. Time doesn't really exist. Money certainly doesn't, and neither does long term hope. Again. This is all okay. Personally, I am happy to mull along in ignorance of the future and of what lies beyond. I have chosen to prioritise the here and now. Why? Probably because thinking about anything past lunch next Tuesday is difficult, complicated, undetermined and potentially highly depressing.

So there it is. I really do wonder why we just didn't bother worrying ourselves too much about the future. The end of our existence seems so far away and unthreatening, we choose to get frantic about people who have the same shoes as us, and how much everything costs. Sigh. Money. I hate the stuff. Why though? Why do we just not care that much about the end of everything we know? It's bizarre. We do this on smaller scales as well, hide bills between the sofa cushions, leave exam results unopened for days on end, as if these actions will cause the horror of it all to cease to exist. Silly.

We are an odd lot aren't we?

Be good. Be bad.

Be happy. Be sad.

Be crazy. Be sane.

Be fury. Be tame.

Be explorer.

Be teacher.

Be student.

Be vagrant.

Be royalty.

Be rich. Be poor.

Be nothing. Be more.

Be all.

I guess what I’m trying to say, is whatever you may be at this current time,

just be.

Belonging

Belonging is a state that every human, I think, must experience in order to feel right enough to be able to feel at ease with others and the world. Admittedly, the places and people where I have felt I have belonged have altered slightly over the years – but that will come later. First I want to think about why the notion of belonging, of fitting in, is so important to us.

Obviously and initially it’s basic instinct to fit in with the pack. We want to feel like we can label ourselves (even if it is as someone who is unlabelled) so we know where we and others stand. A label, it seems, puts others at ease. So what was it in my younger years that made me venture into my very conservative, let’s say, preppy secondary school wearing pink skinny jeans and a yellow flat peak? Was I making a statement? Or was I inadvertently rejecting that particular pack? And why?

I guess it didn’t suit me, that world.

When it comes to people, a lot of your label comes with how you dress. I discovered this in its truest form on a recent excursion into London where my father showed my around some of his favourite haunts from his lawyering twenties. As he showed me around the beautiful buildings tucked away in the secret gardens of London, I felt extremely relieved that I had opted for a pair of smart jeans and a blue and white striped shirt. There was a garden that was not specifically reserved for the lawyers studying at Grey’s Inn, but would anyone else venture there willingly to be surrounded by all that class, education and pinstripe? Those training to become barristers must dine in their hall with the older and more experienced barristers as part of their education. This is a remaining tradition, because young’uns can learn a lot about the business from their elders. But I couldn’t help the nagging feeling that it was also to instigate the notion of ‘a way of being’ in those young minds.

As lovely as it was, I didn’t feel I belonged there in the elegant halls, the sweeping gardens, the French bistro or the wine bar that had not so long ago held onto a tradition that they would not serve anyone at the bar wearing jeans, trainers, or who was female. It was all very exclusive, but not exclusive to those with money, political views, career or anything I can specifically put my finger on. I’m pretty sure someone who feels at home there would have done a better job than I.

It is not unknown among those who know me that my favourite place in the entire world is on my uncle’s farm. I am more attached to that place than I am to my own home, in which I have lived for seventeen years. I am not at all attached to my home, for which I can give absolutely no reason. But striding about on that farm is often the happiest you’ll find me. It is also known among those who know me that I take part in pheasant shooting. Yes, they are sold and eaten before you get all uppity about a bird twice as idiotic as slugs. It’s traditional and brilliant fun. I don’t shoot, I’m a beater (easy with that imagination of yours reader) which means a strict line of us rumbles through the woodland scaring birds into the air. The shooters pay, the beaters get paid. Two very different types of people. I know which activity I prefer, but noticing the difference between these two ‘clubs’ of people, once again puts me at unease.

We like who we like and the opposite. We appreciate those things that remind us of good in our lives. We associate ourselves with those who have the same hobbies, interests as we do. However, sometimes, for example being thrown together with a random group of people at uni with none of the above seems to work too. We are a group with wavering lines like a tide line. Maybe it’s because I’ve only been friends with them for a year, but they are not a pack to which I heartily belong such as my old clan from school…but then again I have known them for a good eight years… but is time that much of a factor? As in studying language, I see the make up of a person come from variables such as their education, class, raising, home town and most importantly (in my opinion) life experiences.

I don’t know all the places and people to where and to whom my soul belongs truly. I am too young and have not experienced enough. Parents, obviously. First loves, obviously and for who knows how long (although I am of the mind that everyone you have loved keeps a piece of you…not soul or heart or any cliché like that. However, there are a couple o’ pieces I’d like back) but I’m heading to bed thinking about what experiences in my life have led me to automatically feel right among some folk and places and not in others. I am good at being myself. It seems an odd thing to say, but consider how often you reveal your true colours to the world. After many years of trying not to, I just do now. It’s easier. Being yourself brings you that little bit closer to maybe potentially knowing yourself. So at this point, we have to settle with knowing what/who/where we feel…simply right with. Where we fit. Take care though. It’s going to be a long while until we know why.

Judge

A normal person fills their life with millions of not so special days, not so special moments and not so special events. We can remember the grand affairs, the dismal tragedies, birthdays, Christmases, traditions. However, the memories that mean the most to me are those that stretch out from dunned days when you least expect it. They brush your soul lightly with gossamer-clad fingertips before they’re gone. An utterance lost on the air, but something that remains with you for your whole life.

When I was maybe seven years old, I was told that, instead of going to church, our family of four was going to put on our best and head to London to have lunch with my Grandparents. My elder sister had originally decided they were to be called Gamma and Ganfa when she was learning to talk, but this was dismissed as too informal, even if it did soften the fire in my Grandfather’s eyes.

My Grandfather was the cleverest and fairest man I knew, with an uncompromising respect for truth. He taught me how to play chess, but never let me win. “How will you know when you have truly beaten me, if I let you win?” There was no finer stereotype. His Honour Judge Jarlath Finney, sitting in a favourite threadbare chair, book in one hand, whisky in the other, face embellished with abundant whiskers, staring at his granddaughters with searching eyes, a colour that looked like the feeling you get when you put frozen winter fingers under hot water. I always had questions for him. In my child’s mind he was omniscient and the fundamental figure of authority. These questions were often along the lines of “how many bugs are there in England?” “What’s at the bottom of the ocean?” “Why do I have blonde hair and Daddy’s bald?” The one question he never had a chance to answer was “How many countries are there in the world?” I hate to admit, I’ve never sought out the answer.

That day, seemingly a couple of lifetimes ago, my sister and I rapidly got bored of the adult conversation. The attic in the house in Hampstead Garden Suburb was a wonderland of junk. Costume jewellery, photographs, a bust of a formidable looking man, dusty mouth organs, and probably anything one could imagine. I wouldn’t have been surprised if Aslan had padded out from behind one of the tottering piles, roaring dust clouds. The one item that remained painfully pristine, on a small desk facing the even smaller window (home to a cluster of dead spiders) was an old typewriter. I couldn’t tell you what model it was, how old it was, or when it had last been used. To this day, it is my favourite thing, even though I haven’t seen it in years. That was the first time I saw it, but I didn’t dare touch it. It was like a pulsing talisman, a portal to history, tales untold, lost words, scrapped ideas and secrets. I was not arrogant or foolish enough to consider using it then.

Some years later, as every twelve year old does, I gained that arrogance. It was the first time I had been in the house after my Grandfather had died, and it had become a cracked and withered shell. It was dirty and without the flare of vibrancy my Grandfather had brought to it unknowingly. Colours faded. He was noticeably, and viciously, gone.

I took myself off to the attic in a jealous sulk; eyes masked green. I thumbed through books and posters, nosed through drawers and eyed up the treasures I found there, like a plumped magpie. It saddens me that the first words I typed on that typewriter, sitting exactly where I had left it guarded by the spiders, were malicious. I whinged heartily about my mean friends, my meaner family and asked why nobody understood me. A slight cliché, but c’est la vie. When I had finished releasing my venom, like a coward I threw the paper out of the window.

A few weeks later my Grandmother called. She had found the thing in the garden, and that feeling of young doom that we have all recognised from parents and teachers rose up into my chest. I thought I was in trouble. She was not angry, but impressed. She effusively praised my writing before offering to post it back to me. I declined this offer; I did not want to see the cruel lyrics again, but I wonder now from time to time what I actually wrote.

I relish in the questions unanswered. My Grandfather was a craftsman of words and ideas and there is a part of me which feels that any over-simplification in learning is a crude insult to his memory. I learnt how to write with passion on that typewriter, but I learnt how to question the world with passion from my Grandfather.

Games

There is a moment in every child’s life when you’re outside playing, your mother will call you in for dinner, and that is it. That was your last play, your last childhood game. Such a significant event gone unnoticed. We can’t remember when our last play was.

I came across this concept in a play called Dice House, where a psychiatrist expresses the notion that people are constricted by the rules and regulations of modern life to the extent that the only way they can overcome this and be truly free is to leave all our decision making to a pair of dice. Obviously this strategy is flawed and the play was extremely silly (and brilliant) but it got me thinking about that last childhood game.

I think that there is a lot more than one of these moments that fall into the category of growing up. Alongside the last childhood play, I’ve experienced the last use of plastic cutlery (other than camping,) the last watch of Pingu and the last time I got told off for having messy hair or a skirt shorter than my kneecaps. Then there are the firsts. The first time I wore a floor length dress. The first time I went on a plane alone. The first time I won a game of chess against my Dad. What I’m really going for with this post is finding those really significant moments in one’s life that goes completely unnoticed until you realize you can’t remember when it happened. Not the clichés like first kisses, first steps and first jobs. Pinnacle yet forgotten.

And there are so many more to come. I’ve just finished my first year of university and I haven’t changed at all, but I have grown up a bit. So many things in life that seemed so important have lost priority. Wearing full make up every day. Getting trashed. Watching television shows religiously. Now even I could have told you that then, but I don’t know how to really tell you about this new state of mind. Put it this way, I’ve gone from not knowing or really caring how the rest of my life turns out, to having ‘the super unrealistic life dream plan’ of multi millions and a career resembling something out of Ugly Betty, to having a strategic plan for the next 4-5 years and thinking realistically about my career and future.

I’ve made the decision that it is ridiculous in these times to assume that your life is going to fall magically into place. We can’t let things happen by chance – how many stories are there of people getting exactly what they want and need by rolling a pair of die? In this day and age, us budding kiddies need plans. Friends. Tactics. Maybe it’s a sad notion being so willing to leave childhood games, but it seems there are a whole load of new ones I need to learn the rules for in order to be a successful and satisfied adult.

Chivalry

As long as there are still men out there making a conscious effort to be chivalrous, chivalry won’t die.

The question of the presence of chivalry in modern society has been a constant debate over the last 40 years. Personally, I am a huge fan of it and have complete faith in its existence, but there are some who are not. ‘Chivalry is dead’ is a phrase often tossed about the drunken halls of university (along side religion, sexism, class and plenty of other viciously opinionated topics.)

The initial thing to note is where it came from, and how the modern world (especially the progression of women) has changed it. It originated from the Middle Ages, and applied to those honoured with knighthood. They were trained, not only in combat, but also in pursuing a noble way of living, seeking to preserve beauty, truth and honour. This was translated into fairytale, princesses locked in towers being rescued by their knight on a white horse. Of course there is the notion that once rescued, they would marry said knight, give him lots of beautiful sons, then cook for him and fuck him until the end of her days. Instantly, we have a problem. The fact that I even thought of that latter part shows that I have been exposed to a world of “modern women”, a notion truly defined by firstly the suffragettes (not the suffragists I hasten to add) and secondly the eighties.

The fact that women have rightly taken a more prominent place in the world has created difficulty for these poor men. We want to be respected as equals, independent and allowed to follow any life path we choose. However, we also want our meals and cinema tickets paid for, doors opened for us and to be gently moved to the inside of the pavement while men naturally take the curb side. How on earth can we expect the poor chaps to know what we want? It’s tough. But a balance can be achieved.

I have a friend back home who is a gentleman, chivalrous, I guess. He jokes and teases but is fiercely loyal and protective of the women in his life, at the same time demonstrating all the typical traits of a gentleman. In the time I have known him, I have never felt beneath him, stupider or less worthy of things like work and education than him in anyway. Traditional yet accommodating. Kudos to his parents, I think they have raised him well. I think I could count maybe a maximum of 5 men I know to have this quality of opinion and behaviour. It’s a shame it is that little, but I’m hoping that number might grow in time.

I also know some who are convinced chivalry is dead, that it is a fantasy. Maybe this is true of the fairytale strain of it. But in my opinion, if we broke the word down it would separate into these components:

- Politeness

- Kindness

- Slightly old fashioned yet modernised social etiquette

- An innate generosity (personality wise, not "buy me lots of diamonds please" wise.)

- Pride

Men just aren’t attracted to the idea of being these things anymore. As in the case of women, men have changed. Inevitably. In an extreme example, we take rappers/singers such as 50 cent or Justin Timberlake. In their music videos they are sat on their arsed while women fling themselves at them. Somehow, this is respected. Is it that men now want to be pursued? Why is there a recent lacklustre in being seen as a white knight in shining armour? (A point to make, but one I cannot be arsed to go into, is the fact that the modern woman often goes for ‘bad guy’ characters. This is yet another cruel blow to the chivalrous male. Well done girls! Morons…)

However, I don't think that men should have to do all this work. We are in a new era of equality. I'm a poor student, as is my boyfriend and we are both jobless. Boo frickin hoo, still doesn't mean that he should pay for everything! This is not me being a feminist, this is just good sense. If women want to be treated equally, logically, we have to act like equals. Money can be such a big deal, especially in reference to chivalry, but that's where I think people get the wrong impression. Chivalry is NOT about money, it's about character and behaviour.

In conclusion, I think chivalry is alive and well, but the problem is a combination of some women rejecting it, believing it to weaken their sex, and men having no pride in it, seeing it as being “whipped” instead of knightly. A crying shame, because it is a quality many women look for, and no matter how the world changes, little girls will always grow up dreaming of their prince.

Shame Disney seems to have managed to big up a lot of men out of proportion and has underestimated how douchey some women make it their life’s work to be.

Writing

Writing songs, blogs, music. Painting. Filmmaking. Dance. Art. It's all about expression, expressing something that deserves more than just a conversation, words that are just utterances. Lost on the ears or eyes of the ignorant, dead moths swept away in a breeze. It's a compulsion. Personally, I have to write. Otherwise, I don't quite know what I'd do with myself. For others it's different, obviously. Could even be knitting. But the point is, everybody needs a personal outlet. A route carved by our innermost thoughts that even we don't fully understand. What do we hope to achieve by allowing them to flow out into a public world? Serenity? Peace and quiet? Recognition that we aren't quite as barmy as we initially thought...Maybe it's because beauty is admired, therefore everybody wants to create something beautiful...something to be really admired. Would I write so much if I didn't think that maybe, somewhere in this crashing world, someone might just read it?

You know what. I would. You, reader, are currently witnessing my direct thought process, so excuse me if it isn't as eloquent as some of my other bits. Why why why do we express ourselves...Why is it something we need to do. Inspiration. Curiosity? Some would explain it away as part of the soul, that unexplainable weight that leaves us when we die. The soul...expression...needs...compulsions...art...masterpieces...beauty. Turmoil.

The universe always presents away for getting rid of the strongest creature of the world. For dinosaurs, it was partly a bloody meteor. Casual. Maybe more subtly, for humans, it's humans. But there is a reason we are at the top of the food chain. Intelligence, yes, but I think it's also this soul thing. The soul pushes us to do more than just to survive and recreate. It encourages us to write. To sing. Etc, etc. I'm going around in circles trying to explain the unexplainable. I guess this just adds to the long list of things we will never know, maybe not even after we pop our clogs and barefoot it into the light.

I fucking hate that list.

It's not a great one, but it'll do.

My fist too large to clutch your thumb,

My hands can meet around your back.

My ears are wise to old man's pun,

My eyes too keen to see your lack.

You are protector and teacher.

You are annoyance and joy.

The guide I need and my lawyer,

The beaming smile that brought me toys.

A CD walkman in a church,

A glass walking cane by the sea.

But these material objects,

Are never needed to keep me

Close. We are the same, you and I.

We shout, we shriek, faces turned pink.

We curse, we glare, ice in our eye.

You make me so angry, but think

Of times well spent in grassy fields,

Games over played in summertime.

Deep debates over cooling meals,

A night spent talking over rhymes.

I am ashamed that I forget

Treasured memories, moments so dear.

True, Father, I owe you great debt,

Just remember to give me years

Of future times, of genuine trust.

Secrets unlocked, teen angst faded.

Promise your mind won't turn to dust.

Pending friendship, not evaded.

Change

We only hate change when we can find no reasoning for it. It is a well known thing. People don't like change. Which is partially true. Dare I use Facebook as a reference, but every time they alter the layout there is uproar and fury. But change is necessary. In everything, from language to activity to relationships to...well, life I guess. This piece is about self-motivation to stand up and do something that's difficult, rather than fun and difficult. We work hard on the things we love. For me at the moment, that is a play, drama. What I need to do is sort out the other kind of drama. I'm going to keep it obscure, but let's just say, in this case, change is vital.

It is, of course, extremely rewarding to spend your time doing things that may be difficult, but you enjoy them and you know they are going to end well enough. Where is the motivation in talking about things you don't want to talk about, going out of your way to do things you don't want to do? Personal Gain. That is what drives us, and it is a pitiful thought. Who is really selfless? Even the little old woman who gave her sixpence (all she had) to charity must have felt a little pleased with herself, it's natural. This is a very cynical view, but with selflessness comes an immediate lack of it. Automatically.

We overcome this by doing as much as we can to help other people. Fine. But it must be acceptable to help oneself, to put yourself first a couple of times. And this isn't having a long hot bath instead of doing the gardening, or reading a magazine instead of writing your essay. This is forcing yourself to talk, to stand up for yourself, and not try to control the consequences. It has to be done. We will see what it does.

I got to thinking about how tense the English have become. Pinched, as my dad would say. I’ve gotten to know so many vague foreigners (by vague I mean English speaking lovelies from afar…Namely Ireland and America) and this has made me notice that the stiff upper lip of England that I am so proud of has been replaced by an array of excruciatingly tightened sphincters. We sit and pay enormous amounts of money for food that we would not choose over bangers and mash or a good shepherd’s pie. We pretend to like music, we pretend to like films, books, news items, jobs, people…so much so, that we are tightened by the day to day full time occupation of being English. It must get very tiring for those who can be bothered to keep up appearances. Today got me really thinking…what are appearances? Especially eating frois grais (however the bloody hell you spell it), sucking wine through your teeth, not trimming your ear hair because it makes you look…I dunno, profound? Intelligent? There will probably come a time when I will take out my nose ring, will consider money for printer ink to be more important than money for festival tickets, or restringing my ukulele and will actually have to care what people think of me. It’s a shame. Tainted by the norm that we have created for ourselves. Like when raindrops fail at tracing their own routes on windowpanes. They just slide innocently into an already trodden route

Deterioration

The corners of our minds are dusty. This is because, as a race, we have decided that using a mere third of our brains will quite suffice, thank you. The brain...it's such an odd thing. Scientists started around 8 years ago trying to replicate that of a rat and still haven't succeeded. All a rat does is survive. If you think of the wealth of knowledge, emotion and memory we shove into that little third. But for what? Alzheimer's, Parkinson's, Dementia and even just general old age. We live a life just to forget it. I've often said I'm not afraid of dying, but what if I forget that fact? I am a hoarder of photographs, tickets, postcards because the thought of forgetting the little things in my life horrifies me, and I'm only eighteen. To forget those you love. To forget everything you have achieved. To be scared and in the dark until the day death takes pity on you. That, has to be one of the worst ways to go. We are just machines at the end of the day. Not built to outlive our guarantee, to slowly fall apart. And you can only fix a broken plate so many times before it's just shards. Off the dustpan, into the bin. Then you forget about it. You forgot it was ever there.

This is a post I deleted a while back...

Soul Mates and Using the Word Inevitable Too Much...

“Oh somebody tell me why I’m on my own, if there’s a soul mate for everyone.”

It’s okay Natasha Bedingfield, it’s safe to assume that everyone has felt like this at some point. Listening to my guilty pleasures playlist on my computer, Miss Bedingfield’s hurt seeped through my ears and I began to wonder about soul mates.

Personally, I don’t believe in soul mates, serendipity or fate really. My outlook on the world is that everything we do, everything we choose is a choice, but one that was inevitable. Not due to some big life plan, but to sheer logic. It’s quite a confusing concept, but I figure that we are who we are, and we make the choices we make because of who we are. Things like how we are brought up, what life experiences we’ve had, our likes and dislikes.

The best example I can think of is my deciding to write a blog. Even though it was my decision, because of all of my history before the moment, and of all the history leading to that history, the choice was inevitable. If I look at a menu and think “chocolate cake or toffee sponge?” The choice I make may seem in the moment, but it was inevitable due to all the choices that had lead me to that one. Because of everything that’s ever happened to me, I was always going to choose the toffee sponge. Think of the start of your life as a straight line, and every single choice you make, no matter how big or small, splits the line into a fork, and you pick a prong and keep living.

Hope that makes sense…

Anyway, so back to soul mates. Plato wrote a myth called ‘Symposium” and it was essentially a story explaining the creation of man. Plato had a whole concept about how the initial stages of learning are bedtime stories, therefore they should indicate good morals. In Symposium, human started as a singular rounded form, with two backs, two heads, four legs and arms, then works. This form would travel via cart wheeling everywhere. The God’s came to notice that this being was too perfect and too strong. Zeus decided to weaken them by sending Apollo down to cut the creatures in two, thus creating two entities – man and woman. “Man’s original body having been thus cut in two, each half yearned for the half from which it had been severed.” And so the concept of soul mates comes into existence. Plato wrote that the reason people hug, kiss and have sex with multiple people is because they are desperately trying to find their other half and to stick themselves back together, which is quite sweet in an odd way.

However I just can’t bring myself to believe in soul mates. What if you find them and they die at the age of 24? You can never love again? No. I believe in compatibility, that there can be more than one person who is absolutely perfect for you. But the thing is, slotting in with my previous theory, because of every choice you make, the chances are that the person you believe to be your soul mate has made suitable choices to get to that point when you meet too. I say suitable and not similar because what two lives are truly similar when you get down to the nitty gritty?

Everyone has the potential to be truly happy. And everyone has the potential to fall in love. And if you see what I’m saying and think “well if I’m miserable your theory is that that is inevitable because of the choices I inevitably will make, then I will always be miserable.” Don’t be silly. Maybe it was the choices you were always going to make, but when you make the choice to change something, to get out of the rut? Something that you have lead yourself into will trigger the change you yearn for.

It’s inevitable that if you want something to change, you will make it happen. And the low points will spur you forward, creating more choices.

What do you think?

Motivation

I’ve been thinking a lot about motivation recently. Motivation to do something other than nothing. I know it has a lot to do with bravery…an acceptance that sometimes you have to be vulnerable. Sometimes, you have to surrender to win the fight…if there even is a fight. It has come to my attention that the only time anything has ever happened is if I have actually gone out of my comfort zone and done something…seems obvious, no?

I am baffled when people seem so content doing nothing. Watching telly day in, day out, just because it’s easy. We are odd in that sense, that we have been soothed into such a lull in this country, that we have that seemingly eternal and ruining luxury to just do nothing. I say this…but I am just the same.

I wonder sometimes why I feel dissatisfied with nearly everything around me. It’s because we do not go through the effort of fulfilling ourselves. It’s not even a matter of potential, more just trying not to waste this preciousness that is life. We CAN’T know what comes after, or before, so I figure make the most of what we do know. And what is it that we know. It is theatre, places, books, countries, numbers, feelings, weather, nature, cities, substances, wanting, hoping, striving, people and everything in between.

Yet…and yet.

I sit here in a messy university room, in my dressing gown, not doing an essay…not doing anything.

I do theatre, I play a bit of broken music, I write. I laugh with my friends and have fun. Great but…what is this? It is what, as a member of a middle class society, I am supposed to be doing. And it makes sense in that sense. I need a degree to get a good job, to get money, to survive, to afford to die. What a shameful thing it will be to make so small an impact on the human race. I can deal with the fact that we as a species are a mere blip on Earth’s existence, but within the realms of ignorance of anything outside of what we know, I’d like to be known. To be remembered as someone who did SOMETHING beneficial. Someone who had motivation.

I don’t want children because they will tie me down, tie me to the trodden track of adult life. It’s muddy, messy. I’m itching to clamber down the track that doesn’t even exist yet…but then again, why haven’t I started? From Surrey to Kent is hardly an adventure…I have friends all over the world, from all over the world, doing what they want to do.

Yes, this piece is very I, me, I. But it applies to everyone, I think. Then again, if everyone strove to do the extraordinary, who would be the ordinary? Hmmm.

There is no conclusion to this. Only that I need to escape the lull, to decide what I want to do, where I want to go, and what I need to do to get there.

Adiemus

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Significance

I think it’s significant when you want to just be in the same room as someone. There’s no need for conversation, but contentment comes from an amicable silence.

I also think it’s significant that we relish in being bored at university, but it’s torture at home. At uni, everyone you want to talk to tends to be a maximum ten minute walk away. Either that, or varying stretches of a thin corridor; the parody of a trodden phone line.

The beauty of being surrounded by people whom you enjoy all the time is that you never have to be alone but if you do find yourself sitting in your room, listening to music on your tod, it’s because you have chosen to be so. Every choice I make here is as insignificant as it is significant, if that makes sense. The time I choose to eat, what I listen to and how I spend my time. These are luxuries in their simplest of forms and I am so glad of them.

I wonder at the number of naked or threadbare feet that have padded along these corridors, drinking tea, holding heads in cradling hands, or clutching favourite games, movies. A soothing union of hangovers, students and equals.

That’s the thing I appreciate most about uni. Everyone is so severely equal, it fits the cliché like a glove. It’s true, we look after each other. After all, friends are just the family you choose, or so they say.

They mock you without judgement.

They insult you without malice.

They watch over you like siblings in your every time of need.

No cruel opinions, no need for lies. All there is is love. We are allowed our secrets, not guilted or goaded into revealing the enemies from our past even if they occasionally trace routes down your face, painting lines for all to see, and for a select few to sweep away.

These are the ramblings of a student thrilled with her situation. I’ve worked hard to get here, to be solid in my own knowledge of the things around me and those things I have chosen to leave behind. Choice…such a minimal yet substantial comfort. The knowledge of choice helps to give you that slap around the face whenever you are feeling low or lazy.

It saddens me that this only seems to occur in the microcosm that is university, otherwise people wouldn’t always bang on about how they are the best days of your life. A peak for sure, but it can’t be all down hill from here. New life creates new challenges…but I think, for now, I’ll have a cuddle and a generalised, philostudental ponder.

At a Violent End, Everybody Prays

We forget exactly how much of what we know and what we want is actually something that has been ingrained into us, stitches in a wound, something that began many years ago, and has led us to this point. Wherever this is.

At a violent end, everybody prays. Religion is something that is still inherited from our parents, and being us? Well. Only seems natural to defy that. We are vicious and determined atheists some of us. But when there’s a gun to your pulse…then what is left to help you? Suddenly, there is a God; a god whom you really, really hope can hear you.

Dark, hey. I escape that loophole of hypocriticality (I’ve decided that’s a word) by being sure in my completely unsure way, that I don’t know, so I currently don’t care. I’ll decide when I cross the shiny bridge of seeing my life flash before my eyes.

I guess I just think that we like to kid ourselves that we are something we want to be. That’s not the same as pretending to be something you’re not, but maybe a more gracious and gentle relative of that concept. Who are we copying anyways? Who is it that we are trying to convince that we don’t care about anything besides living in the moment? Maybe it’s because spontaneity has been a consistent factor of being young, wild and free.

We live our lives the way we want to. Don’t we? It’s not like we haven’t even made a dent on the outside world yet. Oh no wait. As for me, I’ve shuffled gleefully from microcosm to microcosm, finding my place in each one, finding happiness. Happiness is the drug, yearning for more is the weakness, and feeling like you are not fulfilling your potential is the come down.

Potential. A certain comedian called Dylan Moran has some funny words on the business.

“On releasing your potential: Don't do it! Stay away from your potential. You'll mess it up, it's potential, leave it. Anyway, it's like your bank balance - you always have a lot less than you think.”

He’s probably right. Wanting to be awesome and blasé comes with the territory of youth, alongside invincibility, pride, and assuming that you are the first person to have done, well, ANYTHING. We play games. That’s all youth is, really. A game to get you ready for the real world. A game entirely for getting things out of your system, so you don’t fuck up your real life of work, family, happiness and consistency.

I believe I get bored of consistency. That’s why I keep myself busy. I wonder if I’ll ever get used to it. But you know, when I really think about it, I haven’t done anything. My parents raised me well, and their parents raised them well, and so on. Everyday life is injected into our very being. You get the odd few who are brave enough to do what we all want to do, and are then punished for it. I can’t decide which would be better…A life of certainty, or uncertainty?

In my seminar this morning I had to define sense from reference. Reference is when you refer to something in the situation/universe around you in your sentence. Sense is when you need nothing but the sentence to know what it means, a common knowledge within language. Now extensions are lists of everything that could be defined by a particular term, for example, “car” can represent any car that was every in existence and will ever be in existence. An extension is in the real world. Our universe. A prototype in the most popular member of the set, baring in mind this depends on the culture. So a prototype of bird for me would be a robin, being English and all. But in America they might say an eagle, I don’t know.

While deciphering these concepts, I wondered how it is our place to define them. Sense. Something that you just know. But we must have learnt it somewhere, and not known it at some point, otherwise we wouldn’t be aware we know it now, see? Ingraining. That’s all language and the process of a lifetime really is.

Just depends how you use what you’ve learnt, and how much you realize you know without even realizing it. Hmm.

The Knowledge of Knowing

Do you ever get that innate feeling of knowledge? Knowledge that someone is lying to you, that someone is upset, or even that the next left would be most advisable, even though you are completely lost.

We have all heard of the supposed sixth sense. There’s the movie, the sayings, and well, the faith. In the same way people have faith in a God they can never see, people have absolute faith in the sixth sense. So what is it? Every human being has what the dictionary calls a “sense organ” whose sole purpose is to receive information from the outside physical world. Well that’s it right there. The physical world. Sight, Smell, Touch, Taste and Sound.

The Sixth Sense:

- An ability to perceive things in ways, which transcend the use of the traditional five senses; also known as intuition or inspiration.

- Insight: grasping the inner nature of things intuitively.

- To have the power of perception in addition to the five senses. It is also a popular term for ESP.

Now we could go ahead and get really wrapped up in the realms of ghosties and ghoulies, but that’s not my intention. I think people get to worked up about the unknown, and I would say it fair to say, that the whole concept of a sixth sense is yet another way of explaining away the things in this world that we just can’t explain. Some say it’s down to pheromones, these instinctive choices and knowings (poor word but oh well) are down to the base need to reproduce. Maybe. And others say it’s just magic.

Everyone knows the saying “the eyes are the window to the soul.” I have complete belief in this. I know when someone is lying to me, or withholding something from me a good 90% of the time if I am with them face to face. I don’t know why or how, but I tend to be right about liars, and first impressions. My girl across the hall would probably confirm this; sometimes I’ll tell her in a very Mighty Boosh-esq way “I have a bad feeling about now.” Like I said, I tend to be right.

I’m not bragging, merely observing this, sense, if that’s what we want to call it, objectively. It has been suggested, that by saying that you have a bad feeling about something, your subconscious directs you to create this so. I can understand this; the human mind is clearly a lot more intelligent and perceptive than we can know. In fact, the very best of us only use about a third of our brain, and even less than that consciously.

“sit in a Cafe and read a magazine/newspaper, you'll get a "feeling" that someone has been looking at you, and when you turn your head to look up, sometimes you'll find yourself making direct eye contact with the person that has been looking at you for a while.” – Brian Morgan, random blogger commenter.

What do we know? And how can we know it? At the end of the day, a chair is only a chair because we say so. I guess I do believe in a sixth sense, but perhaps that it is something a lot deeper than the Americanized mumbo jumbo. Not so much magical powers given to the ridiculously intelligent, or those exposed to nuclear waste…more and innate part of humanity that exists within all of us. We all have an appendix, but we no longer use it or have a need for it. I think this deep knowledge is the opposite. It has always been there, we just haven’t realized it yet because it is not a tangible organ to be prodded and poked with sterile equipment in a science lab. I say don’t try and understand, but keep your mind and soul open to the knowledge that you can know, without even knowing it.

Indirectness

“What we say is also an important clue to what we mean, but we don’t always say what we mean in so many words. We balance the conflicting needs for involvement and independence by hinting and picking up hints, by refraining from saying some things and surmising what other people meaning from what they refrain from saying. Linguists refer to the way people meaning what they don’t exactly say as indirectness.”

When I went home for the Christmas holidays I started to notice myself regressing. In all honesty, at uni I’m the “mother” of the group, and even though I’m the youngest I’m probably one of the more mature ones. I like to think so anyways. But at home, I’m the precocious and misunderstood teenager who battled her parents every day for a good two to four years. I do feel sorry for my parents, but it got me thinking…what is so different at home so that I behave differently, without even realizing it?

I started to notice conversations such as:

“How’s the room tidying going?”

“ Dad, I don’t need to tidy my room.”

“Ummm…I think you do young lady.”

And:

“Beth, would you like to do the dishwasher?”

AND:

“What, we have to eat all together?”

“FINE. FINE. *Generally blows her gasket in fury and angst*”

Old Deborah Tannen may be gaga on many accounts of linguistic rules and opinions, but this element of indirectness actually has a point. By treating me in an indirect and passive way, the idea is that I don’t get pissed off by being told what to do. However, by my parents not saying what they really mean a lot of the time, I don’t twig what the hell the want from me.

MISCOMMUNCATION = ARGUMENT.

It has to be said, in many cases this scheme of metamessaging does work. The tone of voice, facial expressions and gestures are all dead give away clues. But why do we as a species have such a backwards way of communicating? Why is it so difficult to say exactly what we mean?

“Yes, that does make you look fat, but this other dress makes you look hot.”

“Actually, I’d really like it if you helped me out.”

“Please can I have a sandwich too?”

Doesn’t seem so hard. But you know as well as I do, it really is. Not sure why to be honest. But I know that when you say/do nothing, expecting something happen, chances are it won’t. An example:

Cynthia told Greg she was a little upset because he had fixed himself a snack and not made anything for her. Greg was confused, because Cynthia never mentioned she was hungry or that she wanted anything. Cynthia rolled her eyes and said she wasn’t hungry; it was just that he didn’t think to ask.

Classic. Admittedly, this is stereotypically a more female trait, but men do it just the same.

As a person who loses her temper a lot and gets wound up easily, I think it is important to remember that not everyone is thinking the same as you are. In fact, it is probable that no one is. So, before I get offended or upset, I need to consider; what is their train of thought? Maybe the world would be a simpler place if everyone was just straight with each other, and didn’t rely on backwards messages. Maybe it would be havoc, and everyone would be in angst 24/7. But for the most part, I think speaking our minds is a good idea. Being truthful and honest may be hard, but if we are clever and use this ridiculous language to our advantage, I’m sure honesty will be appreciated.

I’ve said before that truth is the bully everyone pretends to like. I stand by this, but a bully is always needed to keep everyone in order…sometimes. What would we be without levels, rules, and a balance of power in every day life?

Soul Mates #2

“I don’t know anything, at all.”

Pretty accurate quote for the mood right now. Have you ever given advice but been unable to accept it? Don’t smoke. Don’t do all the work yourself. Let him come to you. Believe in yourself.

Why is it so easy to dole out these sentiments but impossible to apply the very same ones to your own life? Seems odd.

I like to think everybody has his or her hang-ups and baggage. Some are just better at covering them up…actors. The whole world is a stage, is it not, William?

This is another one of my pieces where everyone can find something true to themselves. We all feel like we have the worst deal, which is probably why we are so good at counselling others. Is this an element of human nature that is completely innate, or just a personality trait? For me it’s the former. Even though talking things through with the ones I love can be a heavy burden, I really don’t trust anyone else to do the delicate job quite as well as I feel I do. So in that sense, I’m happy. It’s a gift to be trusted so much.

It takes a lot for me to discuss my baggage with people. As much as I expect people to be open with me, there are extremely few I would consider the agreement mutual. Not really sure why…I guess that’s enough on that.

What is friendship without trust? False? No not quite. Just shallow I think, and not shallow in the conventional sense. Shallow in the way you play in the shallows of the ocean, but don’t feel quite brave enough to swim out far enough so that you can’t see your feet. I think trust is when you know you can swim into the deep, and know for sure that you can bob about on the surface quite happily, even dive down every now and then, and not get dragged under. When the trust is broken, for whatever reason, that is your great white circling beneath you, trying to figure out the fastest way to wrap its razor sharp teeth around the edges your heart.

The worst is when they don’t realize that the shark is theirs. The damage is done, and you’re not quite dead just sinking, watching the blackness of deep water press in on your eyes, suffocating your soul. And while you are slowly but surely giving up, to put it bluntly, they are STILL chatting shit.

It’s the hardest thing in the world trying to swim to the surface without a heart people, but worth doing. Don’t let the bastards get you down.

So, moving on from that lengthy metaphor, I’ve decided it’ll suit me for now to continue not trusting many people, to allow them to trust me, and to put up with the bullshit. Listening without feeling has got to be considered a talent, no? At least I’ve found a few more people who will come deep sea swimming with me. Thank god for friends.

I’ve written recently about soul mates. Surely if I decide my friends are my soul mates, that solves the problems of being pressured into looking for one? Hmm. Definitely good enough for me. “Don’t worry, be happy.”

I Know Nothing of This

What is love?

Why is it so viciously important?

To be loved is the safety and vulnerability of a tiny quail’s egg.

To love is not so different.

To be more secure and more exposed then you ever thought possible.

Ice skating on a liquid ocean, encircling the circling shadows that watch from below.

Question is, when you reach your palms out to be embraced by the sky and to be held tight by the universe;

Will it catch you? Or will your last breath be tormented by your fingers scrabbling in vain towards a merciless eternity, reaching up and away from you the longer you gaze into it’s desertion.

The frozen water into which you have ungracefully fallen softly ripples against your skin and bones like knives so you sink, and the blades reach into your stomach and cripple you with dead butterflies, broken violins and clichés.

But then? Maybe a pair of warm hands drag you to the shore, hot pebbles steaming away your doubts and fears. The face you love smiles, hands you a pair of ice skates, and you allow yourself to be swept onto your feet

Out onto the innocent, winking ocean. And you let this repetition summersault through eternity…all in the name of love.

Hair

I read an article in Elle or Vogue magazine a while back about a woman who did a little experiment, going from bleach blonde to chestnut brown. Her conclusion was that blonde is not just a hair colour, it’s a whole way of being.

Well, I wouldn’t go that far. But things like hair colour, height, skin colour and even nose shape alter the way other perceive us. Hair colour is one of those changeable things, and even if it does seem juvenile and girly, the difference in how you are received by other people is noticeable. But where is the line between how you have subconsciously reacted to the change and how others have? The first time I went brunette I loved it, even if it was a little more black and green than anything else. I dyed it myself again, counteracting the green tints with elements of red, and I felt it was all tickety-boo. This brunette regime lasted about 10 months, and by the end of it I had lost all my self-confidence. It was odd, people had started treating me with new levels of seriousness which did not sit well with me. I got ignored and interrupted a lot as well. NOT good. Obviously other factors in my life had thrown me into a bit of a dark spiral, but I cannot help remembering the amount of people who thought it was inoffensive to say “oh what have you done that for? I preferred it blonde.”

I did change back to blonde…somehow it just seemed to boost my personality, but I can never get over how some people don’t seem to mind offending you straight to your face, with no tact. Admittedly, it tends to be friends of the parents or family members. Just a few weeks ago my cousin glared at my cartilage piercing and said “urgh it’s disgusting.” Obviously I thwacked him one. To openly look at someone, to judge a physical change, a choice they’ve made, and call it disgusting? I would say, that is not good etiquette.

Today I went to the hair salon to get my roots done, and I was told low lights would be a good idea. 12 hours later? My hair is greeny brown. And suddenly all those insecurities from 2 years ago come flooding back. I feel like a mouse wending my way around millions of elephant’s feet, insignificant, ugly and unimportant. But how, in the space of 12 hours, has a hair colour altered me from a confident, over outspoken lass into this? I guess it has to do with how we perceive ourselves as well. For example, I look in the mirror and see my nose piercing, and I like what it says about me. I liked what my blonde straggly hair said about me. What exactly these things told the world, I’m not really sure, but it’s the way I’m received by the world that tells me this outward impression can’t be too horrifying.

I’ll go back to the salon tomorrow I think, and hopefully they can fix their fifty quid mistake. But the moral of this story is if you finally get to that point where you are happy with the way things are don’t change a thing. Why fix something that isn’t broken? Why replace something that still works? Tell that to my 6 year old and sadly deadened Motorola flip phone.

It seems cliché to encourage self-adoration, to do that stereotypical grin into the mirror every morning. That’s just ridiculous. Everyone has stuff they dislike about themselves, and that’s okay as long is it doesn’t mock you too heartily. What I’m saying sounds obvious, but just don’t change the good bits! And that means the bits that are good in your opinion. Ignore others, your mistakes are yours to make.

You will always care how the world sees you. But fears and insecurities are just emotions. Fear itself, cannot harm you.

(This is the part when you roll your eyes and say “No shit Sherlock.”)