“I don’t know anything, at all.”
Pretty accurate quote for the mood right now. Have you ever given advice but been unable to accept it? Don’t smoke. Don’t do all the work yourself. Let him come to you. Believe in yourself.
Why is it so easy to dole out these sentiments but impossible to apply the very same ones to your own life? Seems odd.
I like to think everybody has his or her hang-ups and baggage. Some are just better at covering them up…actors. The whole world is a stage, is it not, William?
This is another one of my pieces where everyone can find something true to themselves. We all feel like we have the worst deal, which is probably why we are so good at counselling others. Is this an element of human nature that is completely innate, or just a personality trait? For me it’s the former. Even though talking things through with the ones I love can be a heavy burden, I really don’t trust anyone else to do the delicate job quite as well as I feel I do. So in that sense, I’m happy. It’s a gift to be trusted so much.
It takes a lot for me to discuss my baggage with people. As much as I expect people to be open with me, there are extremely few I would consider the agreement mutual. Not really sure why…I guess that’s enough on that.
What is friendship without trust? False? No not quite. Just shallow I think, and not shallow in the conventional sense. Shallow in the way you play in the shallows of the ocean, but don’t feel quite brave enough to swim out far enough so that you can’t see your feet. I think trust is when you know you can swim into the deep, and know for sure that you can bob about on the surface quite happily, even dive down every now and then, and not get dragged under. When the trust is broken, for whatever reason, that is your great white circling beneath you, trying to figure out the fastest way to wrap its razor sharp teeth around the edges your heart.
The worst is when they don’t realize that the shark is theirs. The damage is done, and you’re not quite dead just sinking, watching the blackness of deep water press in on your eyes, suffocating your soul. And while you are slowly but surely giving up, to put it bluntly, they are STILL chatting shit.
It’s the hardest thing in the world trying to swim to the surface without a heart people, but worth doing. Don’t let the bastards get you down.
So, moving on from that lengthy metaphor, I’ve decided it’ll suit me for now to continue not trusting many people, to allow them to trust me, and to put up with the bullshit. Listening without feeling has got to be considered a talent, no? At least I’ve found a few more people who will come deep sea swimming with me. Thank god for friends.
I’ve written recently about soul mates. Surely if I decide my friends are my soul mates, that solves the problems of being pressured into looking for one? Hmm. Definitely good enough for me. “Don’t worry, be happy.”
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